The other day, while talking to a friend I have known for 10 years and more, we came to the startling realization that it was not the unknowing of each other that created rifts between us the past two years, but the knowing of each other. When you know someone, you tend to form perceptions, a set of foundational beliefs that bind you to what you think the person is. The relationship develops based on these beliefs. And the relationship stagnates or self-destructs when these beliefs are challenged or thrown asunder. That’s what we did to each other.
Through the course of this year, I have been willfully trying to transform myself into a better version of me. Meditation and self-awareness are making me painfully aware of my limitations. I feel like I am looking into mirrors of myself in everyone I meet, and the vision is not always pleasant. The process of mutation has been painful. Yet, layer by layer, I think I have been peeling newer versions of myself. “I am still yet to acclimatize to this new you,” this friend admitted, her mind still processing years of “knowing.” How much we have to “unknow” to really “know!”
Today is the Black Moon and I found the phrase strangely endearing. My darkness has been my fallibility in expressing. In refusing to be vulnerable. In trying to appear strong all the time because weakness is too easy. I have shrouded these flaws through years of carefully honed defense. I use sarcasm to shield myself. I use deprecating humor to deflect my awkwardness in dealing with emotions of any kind. When my mind is a mess, I use the mess to carve a space for myself where the darkness comforts me. I do all this because the darkness is the light for me. The chaos is the place from where I reach out to people. I can heal others because I hurt myself.
I read in this article that the Black Moon brings about a darker, transforming energy. I learn with interest the story of Lilith, the “first Eve,” as represented in Jewish folklore. She also seems to be the first feminist, refusing to accede to Adam as the superior version of the human form. What’s the association with Black Moon?
“The significance of this New Moon and Lilith’s association with it is that she is fiercely independent, decisive, determined and she does not suffer fools. Lilith’s energy is here to support us as we gracefully say goodbye to anyone or anything that wasn’t meant for us and we also release the pain and tension that has built up through attempting to hold on for far too long.”
I thought about this a while. I realized that maybe I have to say goodbye to the pain and tension I have been holding within me – the pain of expression, of the years of self-defense mechanisms that no longer serve me well. That it’s time for me to build relationships based on closeness, trust, and togetherness, but also to not devalue my own self in that search. People’s needs are elastic; their moods even more so; and the you in their life the most elastic. Things fall apart. The center cannot hold. Turning and turning in this widening gyre, you can feel cast aside.
Making myself important to me has never been my priority. But perhaps, it is time. Maybe, today the sky will be darker than normal. Maybe, that’s how something new has to emerge. New moon. New self. What’s the difference?