Talking about myself has always been one of the hardest things for me. I love listening to people instead. Through them, I get to understand so much more about myself. My struggles to talk about myself also come from decades of battling shyness and low self-esteem. “Why would anyone really be interested in knowing about me?” I wonder. Yet, when this “ponder-prompt” came up, I didn’t want to evade. I wanted to dive bravely into the murky world of objections my mind presented. I wanted to fully embrace that I can be all that I want to be – all my warts and moles included – as a person who genuinely wants to know that most inscrutable of all beings – myself.
So, in no particular order, here are “Five Things About Me”:
That doesn’t mean I love to go skiing. It means I love the skies. There are so many days and moments when I feel disconsolate and low. During those days and moments, sometimes all it takes is for me to glance at the sky. Its pristine blue. Radiant lines of rays crisscrossing. Feather wisps of clouds. Gray, murky darkness brooding over life. The sky has so many moods and I embrace them all. I only wish that someone would embrace all of my moods much the same way.
I am inventing new words here. I have grown to realize over the years that at the end of it all, the relationships you build and sustain are what defines meaning in your life. We can talk all we want about “following our passion” when it comes to our work or a career. But, if I were to write my own eulogy, I would know that I would count my life rich by the people who filled my life with their love. So, I rarely give up on relationships, of any sort, be it romantic or platonic. I push myself to preserve what I perceive as precious till every last hideous drop of pride is exhausted. “Letting go” is never easy for me because “letting in” hasn’t been easy. We need to go the extra mile on our rotten, decaying feet to keep the people we love. I draw the line at verbal or physical abuse, at emotional distancing, at people who might simply treat you as extra appendage when it suits them. But let me find that out myself. Till then, I believe in you and I won’t let you go. I don’t leave unless pushed.
Those who read this blog know that I am prone to melancholy. Darkness is a thin vein running through my blood. I am drawn to the dark edges of my soul even as I bask in the light. Melancholy has been my food, whetting my appetite for life.
I have been fascinated by flowers all my life. I don’t know their names nor do I think it is important to. But flowers seem to smile at me when no one else does. I can lose myself in a flower, finding in it the beauty I struggle to find sometimes in life. Show me a flower and you have in me a friend for life.
I am a control freak. The first label I can apply to myself. I hate being lost. I hate letting myself into situations I have little control over. It’s a facet that undermines some of my relationships as well. The need to be in control so defines me that I lose out in not expressing my vulnerability that I have lost control. I have a long way to go to become a better human being. But I am trying.