This year marks my first full year without a full-time job. I had been working the grind every single year ever since I graduated back in 2002. 2017 was the year that would test this resolve of mine to be ‘retired’ the most.
But here I am.
In 2017, I was continually challenged by the tightrope walking over money. I found myself questioning my business skills. Do I have what it takes to be an entrepreneur? Do I know what it is to just live watching the bank account deplete at the end of each month? Money and the familiar pattern of clinging to insecurity were just one of the challenges this year.
I also found myself adrift in relationships – moving toward people, only to move apart from them. I discovered that my personality type is INFJ, and suddenly, the world seemed more comfortable knowing that there were those like me. I connected and reconnected in a bizarre friendship that challenged my understanding of values and people. I was challenged by the feeling of absolute betrayal that it gave me.
I have been shocked by my own expressions of anger and my lack of control over it. I knew that I was never perfect but I am constantly challenged by my pursuit towards it. I have been wracked by my laziness- and adrift on Life’s raft, wondering about the wide open sea. There are no directions and I have been confused. What do you at sea? You just swim.
This year, more than any other year, I have learnt that things do fall apart, that not everything arranges itself perfectly, and that perfection is a myth. I have had to be sane with my insanity; to love the unlovable; and to be at peace with the chaos. I have learnt that these are challenges that I am learning still to meet. I am. I am. I am. I listen to the old brag of my heart, still, and I wake up each day. Sometimes, that’s enough.