Muddled Head

Inside a modern Finnish saunaImage via WikipediaToday is Tuesday. I have vacillated from utter despair on Sunday to a slight relief on Monday, and now back to my nagging worries on Tuesday. I wrote a mail to Stathy asking her to write to Rohit and tell him thank you for creating a favicon. He was great in doing that on Monday but as usual not a word from Chick on thanking him.

I don’t want to think about Sunday. I felt so out in the grave, digging gravel and dust and watching my soul flutter away to rest in ashes on the ground. This mind of mine – this life of mine – is there some weight?

I fought with Val on Saturday night too. It was silly rather. I asked him about that mega sightseeing for his brother, and he was very happy about it naturally. So I asked “when’s the wedding.” He said “no wedding yet, they are yet to meet.” “Well, if both families meet for such a long time what is there to decide? Only the girl if she is intelligent enough will reject.” “My bro is good. Why should the girl reject?” “Sorry, I forgot I was talking to Vallabh Ranga, not a friend to who I gave a frank opinion, will not make that mistake again.””Yes, I might complain about my family to relieve myself but I will protect them. Won’t you do the same? So now I am happy that things are going good for my brother.” “Of course, I am happy that your brother is getting an award, or a Bollywood part or getting married. But just like I would be happy that the father of my nephew won something, it won’t change the fact that I think the father is an asshole in the first place.” “Anyway you are important to me, if I am wrong I am sorry.” I didn’t reply. “Did I say something wrong?” I didn’t reply because the darkest clouds of human emotion descended on me. If I can’t express anything to anyone, what should I do? I fear for myself. I really do. Shut shut shut up.

Tuesday Activities:

Woke 6:30.
Birdie was there. We had gone to the brilliant sauna earlier. Infrared light sauna. Effect was amazing, and I felt totally rejuvenated. This was on Monday.
Work was ok. I am still having problems concentrating. Wrote that mail to Stathy. Now I wonder what the repercussions are. I should shut shut shut up.
Traffic was light. Reached home by 6. Empty buses too.
Walked for 20 minutes. Argued with Joby. Don’t feel like recounting it here. Usual I can’t shut up, say a few things, people naturally defend, and fuck fuck fuck mess. Shut Shut Shut up.
Jogged for 14 minutes. Intensity was more. Felt really good.
Walked another 10 minutes.
Bought karela again, some musambi, and bananas.
Discovered that the track pants I bought are without pockets so will donate that to my sister.
Feel overall good physically today. I have been doing Kegels exercises also to tone that weak bladder of mine. Didn’t leak while jogging.

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