My War with Chinese

Everyday / Sunday, September 2nd, 2012
This blog has been so neglected of late. It feels like an abandoned child, and so does my writing. I haven’t written anything in months – I wonder why. As a writer, I have never felt the overwhelming intensity to just pour the crass and the crap and the beauty out of living. It’s just never a liberation, but a torture. But a beautiful torture. If I don’t write, I feel there is something that is left undone – a nagging thought that becomes this knife. I feel the same about Chinese.

The past one month or so I haven’t been regular with studying Chinese. A friend’s visit, and my teacher’s busy schedule meant that I have not put the effort in to studying the way I would. And then again, laziness and frustration. Learning Chinese is often like scaling the Great Wall – it just seems a process that has no visible result. I feel like I am knocking at the doors of kindergarten all the time – when can I ever hope to graduate as a university student? I question the whys – there is no reason I should be torturing myself – and the hows – that come with the whys. I have no answers to anything.

And then I throw that wonderful book aside, on a Sunday when I have no reason to throw it aside and spend my evening torturing myself over the hanzi and in the end, I feel more frustrated, knowing that I know so little. Yet, I feel like tomorrow I am going to get back at it – is this what obsession is all about? Is this passion? Or is this mere dogged determination? Not me. I hate pushing myself through anything – but this, the language – I think it’s cast a spell I can’t break out of – it’s a beautiful torture that leaves me with the pain of knowing. That matters. Despite the daily battles.

Go on. Spread the love!Email this to someoneShare on LinkedInShare on RedditTweet about this on TwitterShare on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on Pinterest

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *