This Year Was…

Nine more days to go before this year draws to a close. Over the years, I have tried to spend New Year’s Eve in a new place. I have watched fireworks in Kuala Lumpur and Kathmandu. I have seen the night sky draped with stars in Jordan’s Wadi Rum. I have watched Hong Kong put on quite the show. Shanghai try to replicate it. I have slept through it in sleepy Chiang Mai and Myanmar.  I have come to the eventual realization that the place is new only if the mind is new as well.

This photo looks like it was snow, but it isn’t. It’s actually froth from Bangalore’s most polluted lake in Bellandur. But it’s amazing how the sun makes it look beautiful. This year seems like that. Much that was beautiful comes from the muck of our selves.

When I think of “This Year Was..,” I am struck by a myriad number of emotions. That’s when I realize it. This Year Was Emotional. Everything I did seemed to be tinged by emotions. I left my job in a whirlwind of swirling emotions. I tried to understand more of my emotions during meditation. I went through the beautiful emotion of connecting and reconnecting. I went through the emotion of hurt, anger, pain, shock, and bewilderment. I experienced vulnerability even while fighting with it. I wrestled with the emotion of insecurity, of doubting my decisions, and feeling alternately in awe of myself and disgusted with myself. I tried to express emotions, and I tried to suppress them. This year just blew the lid off every single emotion and left me shivering naked on a mountain top, snow gently falling while an approaching storm almost blows me off underneath a sky that seems laden with the sun. It was the sort of year that made me get in touch with my weakest self and to recognize it. It was a year that gave me hints of the strongest version I could be as well. It was a year that made me see the mistakes I continue to make. I was human. I was flawed. I acted under pain and reacted with anger. I melted under kindness and discovered compassion. It was a year that started in an oath of kindness and left me wondering if harshness is right, instead. It left me raw.  It left me knowing my self. This Year Just Was…

And I am happy it was. Because despite everything, it was worth it.

me with pluto
I think if this year was a dog, I would be hugging it like this.
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