Uncertainties

It’s been a while since I wrote here. Time plays such a cruel hand, I am sure if Time plays poker, we know who holds the aces all the time. But it’s not lack of time that has stopped me from writing here, but rather lack of something to write. Over the past two months, I have spent on average 10 hours at work, 3 hours learning Chinese taking online Skype classes with my adorable Chinese tutor, working on my book of short stories (150 words a day, no matter what) and at least 60-90 minutes of the highest intensity workout you can imagine. I made this commitment to myself that I would do the things I want to do – and Time shall not own the things I want to do. It can own anything else, but my desires are my own.

So, if I want to spend an hour exercising every day, then I do so. No. I do not FIND time to do so. Time sits passively. We give Time various meanings, and then despair when it doesn’t fit our understanding of it. If I want to spend 2+ hours learning Chinese, then I do so. I came to realize that in the end it is possible to do so. True, there were days that I wanted to throw my shoes and myself at the trainer whose DVD I rigorously follow. There were times when I wanted to close my eyes and sleep, but instead find that I have to do homework. Or write. This is not a look at my I am so great post. Rather, it’s my belief now that we can really do the things we want to do.

Now, the only thing I wish I can understand is Life itself. I sit at the crossroads, and that’s where I am stuck. Not because there are too many paths to take, but that rather baffling, there are none. There are always choices, so I like telling myself. And there are. I think to myself though why we choose what we do. What experience am I calling on myself if I hate these 9.5 hours of my day? Endurance? Fortitude? Just what is it. And so I sit, and watch the sun set and long after the moon rises, and till the sun wakes up, and the stars crowd under its glare – so I sit and watch…

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